


I want you to know

by Ice_Rain



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 04, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Fix-It of Sorts, Idiots in Love, M/M, Post-Mosaic Timeline (The Magicians: A Life in the Day), Quentin Coldwater Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:53:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27443698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Rain/pseuds/Ice_Rain
Summary: “I never meant for you to think our lives there didn’t matter to me.”“Well, that’s kind of what you said though, isn’t it?”An alternate ending to Season 4, where Quentin and Eliot have an actual conversation about their lives at the Mosaic and what they mean to each other now.
Relationships: Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh
Comments: 20
Kudos: 134





	I want you to know

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in an AU where Alice and Quentin never got back together, and the plan for the monsters is a bit different such that they had time to get Eliot back to the penthouse before finishing everything.

Julia knocked on the doorframe lightly. “Hey, we’ve got to head out soon. The seal isn’t going to hold for much longer.”

“You guys go, I’m staying here,” Quentin said. They’d finally gotten the monster out of Eliot and into the bottle, but it had left him with a pretty serious axe wound. They’d been able to use enough magic to stabilize him and he was on a generous medley of painkillers, but Quentin could tell he was still uncomfortable. Likely for more reasons than the huge gash across his entire torso.

“Q, come on, we need you.”

“Yeah, well maybe Eliot needs someone, did you think about that?” He snapped, not looking in her direction.

“You know I didn’t mean – “

“I’m _not_ leaving him.” He lowered his voice. “Not now. Me not being there doesn’t change anything about the plan.”

He could still feel Julia hovering behind him. Eliot opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then closed it.

“Ok,” Julia said finally, and he heard her footsteps leave down the hallway.

“Q,” Eliot started, slowly. “If you need to go with them now –“

“I’m exactly where I need to be, ok?” He said it snippily, leaving no room for argument. Eliot looked confused but didn’t say anything else for a few minutes. They just sat there in silence, Quentin sitting at the foot of the bed staring off into space. He was trying to feel guilty about not helping with the rest of the plan, but he honestly felt like he deserved this much. He’d lost his dad. He’d lost Eliot for so long. And the whole time he’d seemed to be the only fucking person who cared about actually saving his life. Having to be the only one pushing for plans, time and time again, that didn’t involve Eliot getting killed. It was fucking exhausting. And dammit, if anyone deserved a break, it was him.

And even now, did no one care that Eliot had just woken up from being possessed by a monster for months with a giant axe wound? That maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t want to be alone after all that? That he might be fucking traumatized and need someone to talk to?

He knew being angry at everyone wasn’t fair. Especially to Margo. She cared about Eliot just as much as he did. But she hadn’t been around for most of it. She didn’t know what it had been like.

“How bad was it?” Eliot’s voice was soft, but even so, it startled Quentin from his thoughts. The memories started coming back all at once, memories he’d been trying so hard not to think about. A hand on his throat, blood splattering over his shirt, _You should know that…_

Quentin bit his lip, fighting off the tears threatening to spill down. “Um…” He stopped until he got ahold of himself for just long enough to say, “Pretty bad.”

“Come here.” Eliot reached out an arm, offering for Quentin to lie next to him. He was looking at him like it had physically pained him to hear that it was bad. As if Quentin’s pain was the worst thing right now, when Eliot was in literal physical pain.

“No, you’re hurt. I’m… it’s fine.” It was taking all of Quentin’s focus to not burst out into tears. He averted his gaze away from Eliot, because if he kept looking at him he knew he was going to break down.

“Q… You’re the bravest person I know. But you don’t have to be right now.” And that sent him over the edge. He curled into Eliot’s chest, as carefully as he could manage, and just starting sobbing. Eliot didn’t say anything. He pet his hair for what was probably only minutes, but felt like hours. Quentin hadn’t allowed himself to cry in so long. Hadn’t allowed himself to _feel_ in so long. He couldn’t, because if he did he would never have been able to keep going. 

He cried until he felt like his body had been drained completely of all of his energy, all of his resolve, and quite frankly, all of its liquid. He sat up wiping at his face and took a big sip of water from the glass on the nightstand.

“Sorry,” he said, and then slunk back down to bury his head against Eliot’s shoulder.

“Q,” Eliot breathed. It didn’t sound so much like the start of a sentence, but just a statement in itself. It was _don’t be_ and _I’m here now_ and _I wish I could take it all away._ Instead of actually saying any of those things, Eliot tilted his head down and kissed Quentin’s forehead, slowly and gently. He left his lips there for several seconds, and when he finally moved away, he nuzzled his head against Quentin’s. And if he hadn’t just been crying for at least 10 minutes straight, that would have sent Quentin into another fit. He couldn’t… it was just so _much._

“El,” Quentin croaked out, his throat completely spent. And then before he knew what he was doing, he was leaning up to Eliot and kissing him. It was a sudden movement that got him a startled squeak in response, and Quentin knew he should probably pull away and give Eliot some space, but he wasn’t ready to, not yet. It didn’t have to… it didn’t have to mean anything. Eliot kissed Margo all the time like this. And Quentin was just really emotional right now, he deserved a pass.

But fuck, Eliot didn’t deserve this. He’d just had his body possessed by a monster and now his friend was forcing him into a kiss. His friend who had already been explicitly told before that no, Eliot did not want this. Quentin pulled away quickly, before Eliot could have a chance to respond or pull away or do much of anything.

“Fuck, I’m… I’m sorry. I… shit. I can go.” He started getting up, but Eliot grabbed his arm. When Quentin looked back at him, his eyes were filled with what looked almost like panic. 

“Please don’t.” Quentin nodded slowly but didn’t move. He was transfixed by the look Eliot was giving him. Quentin wasn’t sure what emotions he was seeing there, just that whatever they were, it was a lot.

“Q?” It definitely sounded like a question, but Quentin wasn’t sure what he was being asked. He sucked in a breath, completely overwhelmed by all of it – Eliot finally being back, the look on his face, them not being finished dealing with the monsters but Quentin feeling so exhausted, so done.

Eliot pulled Quentin down against him, rougher than he probably should have given his injuries, and they were kissing again. Eliot opened his mouth immediately into Quentin’s, and it was good, it was _good_. Quentin hadn’t felt like this since… since a time that hadn’t even technically happened. Except it _had_ happened, and as Eliot put his hand over the back of Quentin’s neck, he was bombarded with crystal clear memories that had almost completely faded.

_Quentin broke their kiss, sitting up and biting his lip. “So, you know how we said no overthinking?”_

_“Yeah…” Eliot said, looking at Quentin carefully._

_“Well um, I maybe am? Overthinking?”_

_“Ok…” Eliot said, still not giving anything away._

_“I just… it’s not like I need a label, or whatever. But um… can I ask…” Quentin took a deep breath. “Are you fucking other people? Obviously it’s fine if you are, just - ”_

_“Is it? Fine, I mean. Because if you’re bringing it up, it kind of seems like maybe it’s not.”_

_“No, um. Of course it is. I just like, wanted to know, I guess. So you are, then?”_

_Eliot looked at him silently for another few seconds. “Yeah.”_

_“Ok. Ok, cool.”_

_“El… You didn’t have to –“_

_“Please. If we’re stuck here doing the same thing every day, I am going to take any excuse to have a party. And a birthday is a damn good reason.”_

_“Yeah, but this is…” Quentin was on the verge of tears looking at the spread Eliot had laid out on the picnic table. It was an assortment of foods featured in Fillory and Further. “I didn’t think you actually paid attention when I talk about the books. How did you even find the ingredients for all this?”_

_“Q, it’d be impossible for me not to have absorbed the entire series through osmosis at this point. And I just asked around in town. I… I want you have some reasons to enjoy being here.”_

_“El…”_ You’re all the reason I need. _“Thank you.”_

_“Dad! Dad look what we found! It changes color when you touch it, look!” Teddy touched the back of the small frog he was holding, and sure enough, it changed from light blue to a vibrant purple._

_“Wow, that’s pretty awesome! Where’d you find it, bud?”_

_“We went to the far side of the creek!”_

_Quentin fixed Eliot with a pointed glare. “Oh really. And how exactly did you get to the other side of the creek?”_

_“Now now, Quentin, Teddy’s old enough to cross over those rocks. And don’t worry, I made sure I was holding onto him the whole time.”_

_Teddy looked at Eliot. “But I did that last part myself! Remember?”_

_“Hey, what did we talk about?” Eliot stage whispered._

_“Oh. Right. He held onto me the whole time!” Teddy told Quentin, giving Eliot a thumbs up before running off to play with his frog._

_“Uh-huh,” Quentin said. “Very convincing.”_

“Holy shit,” Quentin whispered, his breath coming fast.

Eliot gulped. “Holy shit,” he agreed. And then he started laughing, and Quentin couldn’t help but join in. Suddenly the whole thing was just hysterical. Quentin laughed so hard his eyes watered and he had to wipe them on Eliot’s sleeve, while Eliot gripped Quentin’s arm tightly trying to calm himself down. It felt good to laugh, to have Eliot’s hand around him like this. Like Eliot wasn’t going anywhere.

“You know, that’s the first time we’ve done that in this timeline while not high off emotion magic. Although, I am kind of high on painkillers right now, so guess our moment’s still yet to come.”

Quentin couldn’t help but crack a smile at that. “Yeah, I heard it,” Eliot said with a playful wince. Jokes aside, Quentin was kind of feeling like a mess. He had a habit of overthinking, and he was having a hard time reconciling being rejected by Eliot, to having Eliot reference _proof of concept_ in the park, to whatever was happening between them now.

“Um, should we…” No, Quentin needed this, and he was going to actually ask for it. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah.” Eliot took a deep breath. “Yeah. Let’s… I want to do that. Q…” he shook his head. “I’m an idiot.”

Quentin rolled his eyes. “Well yeah, I know that, but care to be more specific?”

Eliot chuckled, low in his throat. He brought his hand up to brush a lock of Quentin’s hair behind his ear. “I lied. After… When you… Jesus, I’m fucking this up. Ok, let me start over.”

“You’ve really got me on the edge of my seat here,” Quentin teased. But he reached out for Eliot’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“Ok, so you remember what you asked me? After we… after Margo found the third key and stopped us from going into the clock?”

Ok, so they were getting right to it. “Uh, yeah El, I… definitely haven’t forgotten that,” he said. He was trying to make it sound lighthearted, but he could tell it just sounded forced.

“Right. So um, I know I said – “

“That it wasn’t us. I remember.”

“Yeah. But um. I was full of shit. I was just… I’d never had anything so real with anyone, before. And it was just easier for me to… to push you away, than to inevitably fuck up one of the only good things in my life.”

“But didn’t you just fuck it up anyway?” Eliot’s eyes widened in surprise. Quentin was a little shocked too at how blunt he was being. But he was tired of dancing around all the bullshit.

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I.” Eliot gave him a sad smile. “Q, I’ve never loved anything more than I love you. And that’s fucking terrifying to me. I’ve never been as brave as you, but I want to try.”

“Well.” Quentin swallowed. “Shit, El.” Eliot just chuckled. “I mean, um. I’m not gonna lie, what you said then kind of really hurt? Because it wasn’t just, like, getting rejected by someone I had a crush on, you know? It… it kind of had me rethinking our whole lives there.” Neither of them had even said the word _Mosaic_ yet. And wasn’t that part of the whole problem? Not being able to fully acknowledge it?

Eliot’s face fell. “I never meant for you to think our lives there didn’t matter to me.”

“Well, that’s kind of what you said though, isn’t it?” Quentin sat up, crumpling the bedsheet between his fingers. “You said you wouldn’t choose it.” Dammit, he felt like he was going to cry again. He hadn’t even cried the night he and Eliot had talked about it. He’d forced himself to move on, had told himself that it wasn’t a big deal. He still had his best friend, and things could just keep going the same way they always had been.

But knowing that hadn’t stopped the thoughts at night telling Quentin _you forced him into spending his life with you_ and _why would anyone choose you_ and _he doesn’t care about your lives together, so why can’t you just get over it._ It hadn’t stopped the nightmares. And even worse than those, it hadn’t stopped the dreams. The good ones that seemed so real that he would wake up expecting someone to be next to him in bed, sometimes Eliot, sometimes Arielle. Would hear someone talking from outside his door and think it was Teddy ready to come running in to jump on the bed. And then all at once reality would hit him, and every time it felt like a weight crushing his chest that he had to fight against just to get out of bed.

“I didn’t think you would actually want me.” Eliot said quietly. “Not here. Our lives were so much simpler there, but… I didn’t think you _should_ choose me. I thought you deserved so much better than the absolute mess that I am.”

“So you were just gonna choose for me, then?” 

“Q, we’ve established that I was an idiot. But I’m trying not to be, anymore. I love you. And I want to be with you. But um…” Oh shit, El was crying. “Even just having you forgive me would be enough. Because, I know I really fucked up.”

“Hey,” Quentin said softly. He cupped Eliot’s cheek and rubbed his thumb over it in small circles, wiping away the tears that were falling down. He couldn’t stand it when Eliot was upset. He wasn’t even sure whether he’d ever seen him cry. He must have, at the Mosaic, but so much of that was still fuzzy. Small pieces would come back in bursts and then fade again.

“I love you, El. And I’m… I’m not even mad. I get it, I really do. It hurt. But I understand. We’re both really fucked up. But I think… I think we’re better together. I _know_ we’re better together.”

“Yeah?”

“Do I have to do the whole ‘proof of concept’ spiel for you all over again?”

Eliot laughed, and Quentin’s tension started to melt away at the sound. “No, I think I got it.”

“Ok, good.” Quentin leaned in and kissed Eliot softly on the lips. They did that for a long time, lazily kissing without it leading anywhere. Not that it could have led anywhere anyway, in Eliot’s condition. 

“It’s honestly stupid how in love with you I am,” Eliot breathed when they broke for air. 

“Hmm, well we have already established just how stupid you are,” Quentin teased, kissing him on the nose.

Eliot leaned in for another kiss. “So, so stupid.”


End file.
